“My son has changed. He locks himself up in his room. He does not even come out at mealtimes. He hardly talks to any of us.”
“My daughter is always on her smartphone. If I ask her a question, she snaps back.”
“I don’t know what is wrong with my son. I think he has been using drugs. I checked with his friends. He came to know about it and went berserk.”
We have all heard these from parents worried about their sons and daughters. The channel of communication seems
Consultant Psychiatrist
to has suddenly dried up when kids become adolescents. They feel they have become “grown-ups”. They don’t like their parents interfering in their lives and they think they know what to do. Yet, at this stage of their life, they are more vulnerable than ever. They need the help and support of their parents. Communication with them is very important for their own welfare. Parents to wish to feel the emotional connection with their children. Now, the question is how do we talk to them?
Let us look at the other side. What do the youth say about their parents?
“My mother! She is always nagging me. She thinks she knows all the answers, she alone knows the right way of doing things.”
“My mother goes nag, nag, nag, the whole day. She doesn’t like the way I dress, the way I talk, the friends I mix with.”
“Mom, if I tell her anything, she immediately reports it to Dad and I get a dressing down.”
“I don’t know why my mum interferes with everything. She thinks I am a baby, and I must be mollycoddled. She will have a fit if she knows that I have smoked grass. Her ideas are old fashioned and silly.”
Relax. Although peer influences are obvious in their clothes, choice of music, cinemas and even political ideologies, deep down they share the moral values of their parents. Young adults feel that parents do not listen to them. There is no point in talking to them. Maybe they will be judged or given advice when they only want support. They are trying to ascertain their independent identity apart from their parents and some conflicts may arise. The idea should be helping them achieve their own dreams and aspirations rather than trying to impose our own values (some of them may actually be old-fashioned) on them. We must talk with them, not talk to them.
So how do we listen to our kids? Listening is not just hearing spoken words. It is a skill which has to be learned, just as we learn to swim or we learn to ride a bicycle. Emotional literacy, the ability to understand and express feelings is important. Often children have problems.
expressing themselves. In fact, when they cannot express themselves, they may act out to express themselves (i.e. throwing things, breaking stuff, even cutting oneself). Parents too, often find it difficult to understand feelings in their children. It may be difficult to find the words to help. Nonverbal cues tell us about their internal state even when children are refusing to speak. Look out for wringing hands, shifting gaze, downcast eyes, and drawn face, signs that tell you that your child is worried or guilty.
Find a good time. Turn off distractions like the TV, Smartphones. We all have busy lives. Children must feel that we are listening actively, i.e. giving them our full attention and taking their concerns seriously. Ensure confidentiality. If you are worried that your child is being hurt by others (e.g. being bullied or abused or threatened), it is imperative that they share their concerns with you.
Try not to jump to conclusions, or offer solutions before carefully going through your child’s concerns. It trivializes their worries. Both you and your child need time and space to think the problem through. If you are doing all the talking in a conversation, chances are that your child is shutting up. You need to understand what your child wants from the conversation. Maybe they just want emotional support. Maybe they want help in dealing with a problem. Maybe they are overwhelmed by issues in their life. Be genuinely interested. Try not to push it or “hurry things up.”
Listening to a child conveys the sense that they are being valued. It helps them share their worries. It is important to listen to their views and incorporate it into decision making. They are very vulnerable, although they may think otherwise. The art of communication which includes active listening skills should help you to bridge this gap. Hopefully, with patience and practice, you’d be able to break the ice and re-establish the emotional connection.
