Consultant Psychiatrist
Last week, we discussed how All Work and No Play makes Jack a Dull Boy. Today we will talk about emotions. We briefly introduced the concept of emotional intelligence (EI) and how EQ or Emotional Quotient is a better predictor of success than IQ or Intelligence Quotient. If you would like to read it, this is the link.
Children often cannot express themselves in words. Their vocabulary is limited. They are more comfortable with the non-verbal language. Nonverbal language includes body language, the language of our dreams and sometimes acting out. Acting out may take the form of cutting oneself or breaking mobiles or throwing tantrums. Actually, it is a powerful form of communication. When children feel they are not being heard or when they cannot express themselves in words, they try to express themselves in other ways.
Facilitating emotional expression and coping with powerful emotions is essential for the integration of self. Expressing emotion helps your child to manage interpersonal relationships, cope with negative emotions, and develop a sense of oneself and the world.
As parents, we feel the urge to protect children to the best of our ability. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our children were never scolded by teachers for not being punctual, for illegible handwriting, or for making careless mistakes and they got full marks in every exam they sat for? We wish they never fought with others, they are never bullied, they are never excluded from games, and they got the lead role in every school drama.
But, the world doesn’t work that way. Besides, children need to experience difficulties before they develop problem-solving skills and coping strategies. Children must learn to negotiate their world, to learn from setbacks, to struggle with challenges, to face problems and learn to overcome them. These may be termed ‘desirable difficulties’. While handling difficult situations they learn to handle emotions and to arrive at solutions. Problem-solving skills, an essential skill for growing up cannot be taught without exposure.
Today, children find it difficult to cope with even minor distress e.g., being denied their favourite TV show, or being scolded by their mother or being told by their father that they cannot buy a new and expensive mobile right now. With emotional development, the focus shifts from insistent demands to delayed gratification. The Gold Standard test for Delayed Gratification is the Marshmallow Test.
The Marshmallow Test is a simple test done on 4 to 6-year-olds. They are given a marshmallow (which children love to eat) and they are told that they can eat the marshmallow now, or wait for fifteen minutes when they can have two marshmallows instead of one. Sounds are familiar, doesn’t it? In the course of life, we often have to delay gratification e.g. study now for exams (an equivalent of two marshmallows) and go to the cinema later. Or, we can go to the cinema now (one marshmallow), instead of studying and do poorly in the exams. About one-third of the children could delay gratification and get two marshmallows. When followed up well into adulthood, this group showed better social skills, less obesity, less drug and alcohol use, better academic grades and many other socially desirable attributes.
Without emotional resilience, children crumble under pressure. We see this specifically before exams. They are worried that what will happen if they don’t do well. For a “good” student, the pressure can be overwhelming.
“What will my teachers think?”
“What will my parents think?”
“What will my friends think?”
“I have let everyone down.”
And sometimes,
“I studied more than him, I am a better student, but his grades were better than mine.”
It is surprising, but the second-best students often perform better, than their privileged counterparts. “Good” students when they are sitting for an exam, worry about what will happen if they don’t do well. Instead of answering the questions in the exams, they worry about what will happen if they don’t do well. Not so good students don’t have this pressure of living up to the expectations. So, they are not distracted by these worries. They can focus fully on the exams and do well. Our emotions, at the time of crisis, play up and interfere with our ability to function. So, we must learn to bridle them.
Next week, we move on to Building Resilience. So, Watch this space.
